Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
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Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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