Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
