This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
