Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
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All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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