There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
