The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...