My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
