i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
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Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.