when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.