dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
