i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
