note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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