every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
