good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
