i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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