she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
