First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
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That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
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How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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