there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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