I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
