swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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