ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
