Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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