Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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