I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You dont lie about slip and slides
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
