Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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