Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
