How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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