yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
