so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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