Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
