why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
