Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
