I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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