we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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