there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
