Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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