i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
