God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
