bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
