Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
