I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
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I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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