goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
