I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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