I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
