we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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