remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
