So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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