Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I FOUND THE LEGS
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
