This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
