good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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