I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
