wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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