I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
