Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
