So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
