So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
