using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
