so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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