I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
