Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
