The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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